Broken
Psalm 116:3
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Another day, another attempt! .... Oct - Nov 2000
I kneel down in the centre of my living room. Tears stain the blade I hold to my chest. “Come on Steve, don’t fail again! All you need to do is throw yourself forwards and thats it!”
I’d been doing this every morning for the last couple of months and still I waited, willing myself to do it. Then nudge...nudge.. my three month old Boxer dog “Bruce” pushed against my leg with his nose. His whimpering cries pierced my very soul. “He relied on me for everything and I had no idea I would be relying on a furry angel to help me through this dark period in my life.”
After three months of failed attempts I felt more useless than ever .... I couldn’t even manage the task of killing myself. I realised I didn’t even have the strength to do this properly. I just didn’t know how I could get lower than this!!! - I’d been registered blind at 25, after loosing my sight quite suddenly. in the same month my mum finally died after a 12 year debilitating and demoralizing struggle with progressive MS. Missing her added misery to my own struggle to come to terms with the isolation and insecurities of managing life with sight loss - I’d lost my job, my custom car, the ability to drive, my girlfriend and nearly all of my so called friends!
My answer....
To throw myself into binge drinking, womanising, dark depression, and raw anger. I felt that this was what I had to look forwards to for the rest of my life.
Then I met Sarah...... July 2004
She wasn’t like the other girls I’d met. Sarah too had suffered sight loss and depression because of her uncontrollable diabetes but no matter how bad things got for her, she always had comfort in someone called “Jesus”. Oh no I thought not a Christian! She suffered all of my taunts, jibes and nasty comments but worst of all my coldness and my inability to show love. I made it a personal challenge to show her that everyone will let you down and no one can be trusted or faithful! I felt that if I could make her hurt as much as I did then she’d hate this Jesus and know that he wasn’t real!
Then HE came to visit ME....
Hope
Psalm 116:4
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
I’d seen a guitarist called Eric Bibb on the music show ‘Later with Jools Holland’ and called Sarah up to see if she had heard of him too. She hadn’t but as a lovely gift she booked tickets to go and see him in London. I’d only ever been to Metal concerts before so i didn’t know what to expect.
It was Eric Bibb’s “Friends” tour and when Eric started the song “Needed Time” and sang the words
“I'm down on my bended knees, I'm on my knees, praying want you come back, come back here?
Even if you don't stay long, oh my Jesus, If you don't stay long, I'm praying, Come back here.
Singing Right now is the needed time, I know you feel the needed time right now. Bless us!”
This was the moment when I asked Jesus to save me saying “I can’t fight any more. Please help me!” From that moment something happened inside me and I just felt an outpouring of my entire being. My heart seemed to clear itself of all the darkness, hatred and anger I’d filled it with replacing this with pure love. I couldn’t stop my river of tears for the rest of the show.
February 2013 - Now and into the future....
Romans 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.
My eyes are filling with tears as I write this section. I just can’t believe I’m sat here typing this. If it was up to me than I’d be dead. I’d have missed God’s amazing grace and a living relationship with Jesus along with the countless blessings I simply didn’t know existed! He’s transformed me in so many ways and I’m no longer held captive by drinking, swearing, anger, lack of compassion and self loathing, along with much much more. I’m also getting a long way to overcoming my ever big struggle with over eating. (see Diet or Die✞)
Two Souls Entwine.....
I‘ve been married to Sarah for nearly six years now and I’m really struggling to put how I feel into words! My heart overflows with love for her. She has encouraged, inspired and loved me and is the sunshine that warms me along my journey.
My love of music....
Since being registered blind I’ve learned to play the drums and guitar. This is amazing in itself but being able to play alongside Sarah every Sunday to assist myself and others in worship is just mind blowing. I play in two churches - drumming in the morning and playing guitar in the evening and I feel so blessed to be able to come before God and thank him with the gifts he’s given me. Gifts that give me great joy too!
My hope is that my short testimony will help those who feel lost in despair and no longer want to choose life. I know that there really is HOPE and God has a plan for your life as he has for mine. He simply wants to love you and welcome you home.
Luke 15:32
The Message (MSG)
This is a wonderful time, and we had to celebrate. This brother of yours was dead, and he’s alive! He was lost, and he’s found!’”
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